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Weird~ >_«
I know I broke up with Peter a week ago, but I finallllllllllllly changed my facebook status to single like 4 minutes ago.
And only after I saw that he did the same.
I know that’s weird. I guess I STILL wasn’t 100% ready to let go.. but I think I am now.
I saw that he recently became friends with some girl.. and that’s when I noticed he changed his status to single. I wonder if the two are correlated. I think he hid the fact that he became single because I don’t see the notice anywhere.
Bah, why am I even wondering these things.
It’s really time to forget him and move on for real.
It still felt really weird and I started getting like hot flashes for like a minute lul
It’s ok, I totally deserve better :3
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My mom is so freaking annoying.
Let’s get one thing staight.
I love my mom. I do. She can get super psycho crazy on me sometimes…. many times… but I still love her.
But really.
Ok, so i recently graduated, broke up with boyfriend, trying to erase the past semester that I had because I made a lot of bad decisions that I can’t change.
Like living with Peter even though he smoked cigarettes all the time, staying with him even when I knew after the first month that he wasn’t actually the guy I thought he was.
So yea, there are a lot of things I wish I didn’t do, but guess what, I did them, can’t change that, and there’s absolutely no reason to dwell.
Now that I graduated, I closed that chapter of my life and am trying to have a clean start… trying to forget Peter, forget everything.
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I recently told my mom everything. EVERYTHING. I have nothing to hide from her anymore. She knows I lived with him and everything.
Of course this was traumatizing to her, to think that her daughter would do that. I get it.
Mom, I’m sorry I traumatized you. I know you can’t feel like you can trust anyone anymore. At least for now, maybe for a while.
But do you really have to bring it up all the time? You come in my room at 1am, close my laptop when I’m using it (how freaking rude?), and start drilling me with questions again. Questions that don’t even matter, I already told you everything. You just keep asking for more details, as if that’s going to help your predicament?
I guess I get my undying curiosity trait from you, there are times where I just dig deeper and deeper even though I know I’ll get hurt. But seriously, there’s no point. It’s not helping you at all from reading every single text that me and peter ever sent to each other. It’s just making matters worse for you and for our relationship, so I don’t get why you keep doing it. For God’s sake, control your curiosity.
You keep saying, “I don’t get it, why would you do that”. I keep saying, “I don’t know, I was stupid.” Can we get over this? You’re the one that kept telling me “let’s just have a fresh start, let’s just start over from the beginning and have a clean slate”. Yea, I’d love to. But it’s kind of hard to do that when you keep bringing up the past.
Worst part is, everytime you start one of these interrogation sessions, you don’t even finish them. You stop in the middle, and say “we’ll talk about this later” and go do something else. What? Why? Wtf? Why bring all this up, ruin my mood, ruin your mood, start getting into a heated discussion about how much I freakin disappointed you, and then just leave without resolving anything?!!?!?!?
It’s f*ckin driving me insane. You get so upset at the fact that I want to leave home SO BADLY. Why do you think?! I’m not saying I did anything right, but you’re really pushing it. You don’t make me want to stay AT ALL. You make me want to catch the next flight out of here to almost anywhere else.
Sigh. I’m seriously trying to make the most of my time here, before I really do move out and only be able to come home for the holidays. One day, I’m going to be married, and not live here anymore. One day, my sisters are going to get married too and we won’t be in the same house anymore. One day you and dad are going to grow old and it’s going to suck.
I’m trying to enjoy my time with my sisters, cherish the time I have with my dad, and try to make nice mom-daughter memories, but you’re making it goddamn near impossible.
Stop dogging me. Move on. Please, for the love of God, either leave me alone or let it all out.
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I did it, it’s over
This is what i sent him:
Well like I said, I should have searched earlier and im really sorry for giving you attitude. Really. But honestly you could have helped more too. Don’t make this all my fault. You know more about jobs in korea than I do plus you have so many connections. Instead, during your freetime you just played games. I had to study, you could have helped me find jobs or at least show me different websites or companies. I really could say the same thing you told me: if you really wanted me to spend time with you in korea, you would have made more of an effort too. Really think about it. I had schoolwork to work on and you didn’t.
But anyway, it is so incredibly rude of you to just ignore me. That’s just… unbelievably rude. I don’t need a boyfriend who’s just going to ignore me. As if i’m not even worth talking to. This is really going overboard. Really. I’ve NEVER been treated like this no matter how bad the fight as. I didn’t know you were like this before I started dating you.
Not just this, but I think you want someone who’s not like me (emotional, worries about the future, etc) and I really need a guy who has the sense to reciprocate cute things like writing on your wall 4 things I love about you for our 4 month. It’s not necessary but it’s what makes me happy and it doesn’t come naturally to you so it’s just something that gives you stress. I still really care about you but I think we should go back to being friends…
*SPOILERS FOR HIMYM FOR THOSE WHO DON’T WATCH OR ARE SUPER FAR BEHIND*
We’re like Barney and Robin. We love each other but we’re not right for each other.
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I'm so close to just breaking it off
Me: the chances of me going to korea are getting slimmer and slimmer..I just told my grandma i wanted to go and she just said some nonsense about not needing to go
Peter: 헐 ㅜㅜ (wth)
Me: and then her and my mom are both like "korea is too dangerous blabla".sigh i hate it here... they only focus on the bad stuff about korea like how the police don't respond quickly
Peter: they won't let you go even if you work?
Me: well there isn't any :/ it'd be a different story if i had an offer and i showed them that but i don't have anything
Peter: you can always tutor. call YBM and places like that too. they accept a lot of students who want to work short term. I thought you were doing all that
Me: i don't kno how to look for jobs in korea
Peter: uh
Me: i dont' really know anyone in korea to help me
Peter: the internet? you don't need help, no one does
Me: wayne has been helping me find jobs in america.
Peter: you can always do it by yourself. I thought you were looking for jobs in korea. you haven't done it?
Me: no? i just came home yesterday
Peter: you said you were doing that when I was at school
Me: i said i planned on asking my aunts if i can tutor
Peter: well time is short, might as well start as soon as possible..cuz jobs are being taken as we speak
Me: i know ok?
Peter: just saying, if you really want to come to Korea you could've started this earlier.. I thought you did
Me: well i kept asking you to ask around since you're the one with tons of connections, thought you were going to help me find an internship there. But then that didn't happen and I decided to job hunt after my finals were over
Peter: you can't rely on one thing..
Me: i wasn't
Peter: ah I'm saying these things because I care for you and I don't like the way you're talking to me. 됬어 얘기 그만하자 (forget it, let's stop talking)
Me: i just feel like i'm being lectured at. like 'why didn't you do this earlier' or something. but i wanted to job hunt after finals
Peter: well if you really wanted to come you could've planned. you can just admit that you didn't think far ahead and just get over it
Me: ... how can you talk to me like that,, you really think i didn't plan anything? you talk to me so coldly. you know i thought far ahead, i always thinks far ahead
Peter: no, I'm just saying you could've done one thing better. you're the one not admitting it and giving me attitude instead
Me: .... admitting what?!
Peter: admitting that you could've done a better job planning the trip to korea
Me: everything i planned for didn't work
Peter: well you didn't plan anything about Korea
Me: i couldn't do anything while i was in school, my mom said we'd talk about it later. i told her about tutoring and everything. job hunting takes a lot of time so i wanted to focus on that after school instead of trying to focus both school and job hunting at the same time since getting ready for grauation was stressful enough already. i came home YESTERDAY evening and wayne helped me work on my resume so i did that and then i coudnt' really do anything else so i just pretty much worked on my resume until i fell asleep
Peter: so you're saying you didn't play LOL and instead of playing you worked on your resume? you're not lying to me are you?
Me: ...didn't i telll you i tried playing one game? but then my ping was 2000s so i quit and didn't play another game
Peter: I'm saying during school. I'm done talking to you I think. I can't talk to you right now
Me: like i said, i wanted to focus on school during school
Peter: you're talking like you never do anything wrong or even make a slight mistake. I'm logging out. bye
Me: ...
So i texted him:
Me: I can't believe you would jsut leave me like that. Just cuz you were getting frustrated.
Peter: I'm not frustrated I'm just mad at you for giving me attitude for just trying to help you. If you're gonna keep talking that way just don't talk to me.
Me: maybe you should read what you wrote to me and see how yI would take that. It didn't sound like you were trying to help, it sounded like you were blaming me for not coming to korea when it's not just up to me. Wow you have such a short fuse. no matter how pissed you are, I'm dealing with such a hard time and instead of working it out with me you just lave? You only stay with me and talk to me when you feel like it? That's not love at all. And you don't even want me to talk to you when I'm upset. Ok. Well that's not how relationships work. If I'm only allowed to talk to you when I'm happy and talking "nicely"... that's not sticking by each other no matter what. And if you can't do that, we're not right for each other. I was mad at you and didn't like your attitude towards me either bu I didn't just say fuck this and leave.
Peter: Well if you really did want to come to Korea to stay with me, you should have done what I blamed you for. I did my part by asking me dad. And yeah keep talking like that maybe it'll help at one point.
Me: I stuck with you because I love you and wanted to talk it out. But you just leave cuz YOU were feeling mad.. even though I as the same way. Do you not see how you're dealing with this? I really want to work it out but you keep pushing me away.. ㅠㅠ I'm not trying to give you attitude right now but even if I did earlier can't you be patient and yield a little for me? Can't you just understand my situation right now and how frustrating it must be for me? I'm not even mad anymore I'm just really hurt. You know... not every conversation in a relationship is good, and just cuz I have you attitude doesn't give you an excuse to leave me when i really need you ㅠㅠ..
I really need your support and love right now.. you can't just ignore me like this... It was my bad that I gave you attitude but I've had a really bad day and as in a really bad mood.
Peter: I listened to all your problems. I have every right to be mad at you because if you didn't look for jobs earlier to increase the probability to come to Korea and stay with me, not being able to see you is totally your fault. And I was sick and tired of long distance relationships before I even met you. I personally don't even think LDRs are relationships. I'm holding on to the thought of being together but you didn't do your part. I already miss you too much so yeah I think I have the right to yell at you despite your emotional state and I'm not apologizing for the time being.
Me: But 자기 even if I did find jobs it's really not up to me since my parents make the decision. Technically I can tutor kids there no matter what so I do have ways to make money there. It's just my mom is being so dumb and i have no control over that ㅠ
Peter: but at least you would have tried your best (WTF He didn't try his best at all either!)
Me: You told me to not make you my top priority and to focus on studying remember? So I thought like.. it's still going to be may when I graduate, I'll look for jobs later. I don't think that was a bad decision ㅠ If you don't think long distance is even a relationship, I know you really hate it.. and since my mom is being more difficult than I thought.. I have no idea if I can go.. do you want to just be friends? I completely understand if you do.
Peter: But then looking for jobs doesn't take that much time (yes it does.. just cuz you never had to do it cuz you're so fuckin privileged). Companies in Korea especially English related ones are wide open to students. I could've done that for you even. (but he didn't.. so how is this all my fault?) and I definitely don't think you're fit to talk right now. I'm really going to ignore you for the night.
Me: honey can you please get on skype?
Please don't ignore me.. I would never ignore you...
I do understand why you're upset, and I guess after talking to you about it I should have looked for jobs earlier.. and I'm sorry I didn't but you ignoring me is kinda of severe.
Are you really doing to ignore me? ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
Honey?..
I read over our conversation and I misread what you wrote. It was my bad that i have you attitude cuz you actually weren't lecturing me and I thought you were. But I can't believe my own boyfriend is ignoring me.
You know I don't ask for much, but it's still our 4 month anniversary here and I'd really like to spend time with you today.
Honey please?
And then 2 hours later I sent him the break up text. I don't need to be treated like shit.
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FFFFF gotta write stuff out again
I’m just feeling really frustrated.
Trapped… unhappy…
I don’t know what I want…
I don’t feel like doing anything, I just.. feel like sitting. Talking to someone about anything… just to keep my mind off of my life.
Peter……. I miss him. And it sucks that I do because I haven’t missed him like… almost at all since he left. It’s been a little over a week since he left and…. I feel weird. I miss him.
Especially since we haven’t skyped or really talked the past half week.. didn’t do anything together like play LoL or minecraft because I was studying for finals, and then this weekend he was busy meeting up with his friends.
I want to go to Korea really badly to see him… mostly because I wanna see him but a huge part of it is because I just want to go to Korea … to be in Korea AND to get away from this prison of a house.
I also want to find a job asap so I can get out of here but at the same time I don’t want to work?
I just really don’t know wtf I want.
Plus I feel really guilty that I have a lot more fun chatting with Sungtae than talking to Peter because Peter and I never have anything to talk about.. he’s just not a person I can keep a conversation with I guess…. we have nothing to talk about and since I feel like I have to be careful of what I say around Peter… I dunno… it’s not as enjoyable.
I know he’s not right for me and I know he doesn’t treat me well.. and I’m trying to just 100% get over him but it’s weird… cuz I do want to go to korea to hang out with him.. ya know? So if i do get to go, I don’t want to get over him. So it’s as if I’m putting my emotions “on hold” to see what I should do with them.
If I find out I’m going to korea this summer, I want to be able to spend time with him while loving him. If I find out I can’t go to Korea this summer.. I dunno, I kinda want my feelings for him to dwindle down.. well both our feelings for each other.. since we proabbly won’t see each other again unless I find a job in Madison.
MEANWHILE though… I AM going to be more productive and job hunt like crazy.
Wayne is seriously my rock and he’s been helping me out immensely.. resume/cover letter stuff, suggesting positions, etc.
I’m going to apply for Valve, Riot, apply for an internship at this company that my dad’s going to help me get, try to find jobs in Madison (because I already miss Leanne, Peter will be there, and I really miss my other friends like Robert, Sungtae, Mj, Tjc, etc), try to find jobs in Illinois since that’s close to Madison, try to find jobs in Indiana cuz that’s close to Nayoung… maybe apply for Delta and be a flight attendant with Sue.. I really don’t know.
I’m totally up for anything but at the same time I don’t want to do ANYTHING except sleep.
I’m so sick of living - i know that sounds super suicidal and it’s not like my life is that hard honestly when compared with 99% of the world.
But I guess I’m just really burnt out.
Sigh, I don’t know. I’ll get through this one day.
One day, I’ll have a job that I enjoy, move out of this godawful house, find the love of my life, travel the world, start an awesome loving family….
One day…. I think? I hope?….
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YEP ;_;
(via fuckyeahxiah)
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Now that’s he’s really gone, I don’t know how I feel.
I don’t really feel anything.
Do I miss him? I can’t tell…
I don’t really know how I feel..
If I’m being totally honest with myself, I know he really hasn’t treated me well.
He makes me feel like I need to watch what I do and say to an extent that I don’t think is healthy.. like I have to censor myself because he takes things the wrong way all the time…
He never thinks he does anything wrong, and everything is always my fault or something is wrong with me.
I don’t feel like I can communicate with him because when I do tell him how I feel, he makes me feel stupid for feeling certain emotions, and asks “why can’t you just be happy all the time?” which is just total bullshit in my opinion.
He thinks his “job” is to (and I quote) “protect you from being sad” and so he has apparently been trying super hard and stressing out to make sure I never be sad (even though he REALLY doesn’t do anything for me to the point where I really feel like I’m single) but I’m like… your “job” as a boyfriend isn’t to protect me from sadness, it’s being there for me when I AM sad. It’s cheering me up, encouraging me, making me feel better… which he’s not very good at doing, because when I DO feel like shit, he just tells me to stop “being a baby”.
So why do I like him?
Do I still even like him?
Don’t I just like the fact that I’m IN a relationship?
I know we’re not right for each other… so why can’t I just break up with him?
I guess that means I do have SOME feelings for him right?
I mean.. I really love spending time with him and gaming with him… but other than that, like… emotionally, he sucks!
Sigh, I don’t know. I’m just so confused… don’t really know how I feel about this whole situation.
Whatever, I’m not going to stress out about it.
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Dear Hope
HEY HOPE,
everytime you feel sad about Peter, everytime you miss him so much you think you’re going to pass out, READ THIS POST
This guy is a jerk!
Omfg he never ever thinks he’s wrong.. he thinks it’s dumb that you have emotions other than happiness, he misunderstands everything… ughSeriously, he just…. JUST. JUST NO.
His mindset is totally different from yours… just
ugh, no.
get over him.
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He’s back for a little longer
His travel agent failed and didn’t actually buy him a ticket so he came back.
He still has to leave I’m guessing within the next couple days.
I’m REALLY happy so spend more time with him but it also sucks because I have to go through the goodbye again.
And since like.. when he came back…… it FELT like he came back from Korea because I had like… yea.. that’s what I kept telling myself in the 7 hours I wasn’t with him.
And now it’s harder to think about him leaving than the first time he left.
I was ready the first time he left, but now I have to make myself ready again @_@..
please pray for me~ I don’t want to stress out about a relationship that isn’t even good for me during my finals
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He’s gone.
So I just said bye to him, he’s on the bus right now on the way to the airport.
I’m not going to lie, I do feel a bit empty.
Sucks that I have to go help out a research thing until 2ish unless I can talk my way out of it and end around 12 instead.
I keep telling myself it’s going to be ok, and that I’ll get over him and that I’ll find someone better.
I know this to be true, but I mean…. I still feel like a part of me is just.. gone.
I know we didn’t break up, but we might have to some day if it’s going to be long distance permanently.
I’m planning on going to Korea this summer to hang out with him and to make some money tutoring kids… but I don’t know if my freaking parents will let me go.
It’s sooooooooo dumb. My mom gets freaked out and worried about everything. She’s so afraid of the world.
She’s like “oh, korea is soooooo dangeous, blablabla” and proceeds to tell me stories of horrible things that happen there. I tell her horrible things happen EVERYWHERE and that the entire world is scary, but I only have one life, and I want to spend it traveling the world and visiting a bunch of places one day, and that it’s really dumb if she won’t let me just because she’s afraid something might happen.
She’s like “ok well let’s travel the world together someday then” and i’m like -.- i wanna travel with a friend. sigh.
I really don’t know how to change her mind -_-
But then I started crying and telling her how much I miss my family that’s in Korea and that I reallllllllllllllllly want to go this summer and she said we’ll talk about it later.
Sigh.
Just let me go -_-.
I’m just really excited to come home from the reserach thing and PASS OUT.
I pulled an all nighter spending the last night with Peter and I just want to sleep :/
I’m excited to hang out with Leanne all day again… I’m excited to go back home and hang out with my sisters…….
But yea…. fuck it, I do really miss him already :/
Please pray for me so that I can get through this
